Alex Kingston in costume

Alex Kingston in costume

Alex Kingston played the role of Moll Flanders. There was a time when the character was a prostitute. She would do a great deal of nefarious things to earn money. The show was a period costume drama. In it everyone wore period costumes including frilly dresses. 

On one notable occasion, the show turned very messy for Miss Kingston. On this occasion, Alex’s character was hired by man to be placed in the stocks in public tavern. He would then get to pelt her with rotten fruit and vegetables along with other varied messes, much to the amusement of the bawdy clientele that frequented the tavern.

 It was late in the evening and the man had already had more than a few alcoholic beverages. He was a middle aged man. He was blonde and had a bristly moustache. He was covered in mud and dust from a hard day’s working. He wore a pair of brown leather braces as well a thick leather belt with a wide brass clasp at the front. He wore knee high black leather boots. He wore a dirty beige tank top and khaki coloured trousers. He also had on a grey flat brimmed cap. He was missing more than a few teeth. He had spent the majority of the evening drinking to excess and was really showing it at this point. He was clearly inebriated. His speech was slurred and he was having trouble staying upright. He had been lucky on a game of chance and had some extra change that was not typical for him to have. 

He had his eye on Alex’s character more and more throughout the evening. He was now intoxicated to the extent that his inhibitions were lowered to a level where he felt able to approach her. He drunkenly stumbled over to her as she stood by the bar. “Oi, you,” he abruptly uttered, “ I have some money here. I’ll pay you if you get in them stocks and let me dump rubbish all over you.” She gave a wry smile. “I’m not saying that I don’t trust you, but may I see this money that you have first?” He opened his hand showing her what he had. He indeed had enough money on him to pay for this service. “Ok,” she said,” I need to have half upfront. I need to know that you aren’t going to have your way and then run off without paying.” “Fair enough,” he said, without arguing the toss. He handed her half of the fee. She walked over to where a set of stocks had been set up previously. They were normally used as a device of punishment. 

The tavern keeper walked over with them to the stocks and raised the top of them for her to get in. She leaned in gingerly. She had to be careful to arrange her curly hair and frilly dress perfectly, so nothing would get caught in the stocks. She then placed her neck and wrists into position. The top was then lowered and the tavern keeper locked the sides of it, making escape impossible. The patron then scrambled to get some items to use on the prone woman. He returned with containers of rotten food.

She smiled,” Do with me what you will. You paid for my services. I am all yours for the remainder of the hour,” she said. The man replied,” Oh don’t worry love, I fully intend on getting my money’s worth.”  The raucous patrons began to get very rowdy at this point. They cheered his name and urged him to let her have it. They jeered her. Some of them called her a slapper and a dirty wench among other choice jibes.

He began with some rotten vegetables. He started with old, mouldy, rotten tomatoes. They were blotched with disgusting spots. He smiled as he wound up and threw the first at her. It hit her in the face and squashed against it. Seeds and tomato parts exploded onto her face and all over her frizzy curled hair. He then tossed two more which collided with her head. He then moved around and tossed two more at her rear end. Her frizzy hair was soon entwined with tomato seeds and tomato juice. The tomatoes were also very slimy through and through, which made them less than pleasant. 

The tomatoes were followed by aubergines. These were even more seed filled and slimier than the tomatoes had been. They were larger as well. The first one was enormous. The massive purple vegetable flew through the air in a wobbly motion like a wounded duck and landed with a splat on her forehead. Slime, fleshy vegetable and seeds exploded over her face and hair. Her frizzy hair was instantly entangled in the rotten, foul smelling mess. Slime dripped down her face and chin. 

He then began to throw the rest of what was left of the vegetables at her. This included marrow, cabbage and lettuce. He then grabbed a gigantic rotten pumpkin. He cut the top off and tossed it aside. He then approached her. He stuffed his hands into the pumpkin and pulled out the insides of it, including the seeds. He then pushed all of this directly into her face. He rubbed the pumpkin guts around in her face with his hands. She closed her eyes as she was treated to a face full of rotten pumpkin. He then pulled up and dropped the connecting bits onto her curly hair. He then took the remainder of the pumpkin itself and pushed it down onto her head as a sort of ridiculous helmet. She sputtered and squirmed.

He then procured a basket of rotten eggs. He began to take target at her body. He threw them as hard as he could at her. Everyone cheering and commenting as each one hot her, exploding each time, all over her body. One after another, after another. It did not seem to let up. Egg after egg. Soon she was covered in so much rotten egg that her heavy dress was soaked in them. It was sagging now, covered in slimy egg. The smell of egg was unmistakable. 

He then whispered to some of the other patrons. By this time, everyone was singing and shouting. One by one they all returned. They did not return empty handed, however. Each arrived with a wooden bucket from their homes. At this time, they were used as indoor trash cans. Food waste and other rubbish would be pushed into these. They now were going to be dumped over the woman in the stocks. 

A sort of conveyer system was formed at this point. People would pass the wooden bucket to the man. He would dump the slop in them over the young lady and then he would pass the bucket along again. There were at least two dozen of these from all around the village. She closed her eyes as it started. Everyone was singing a sprightly pub song as he dumped one after the other after the other over her. Vegetable peelings, plate scraping and general slop were in the buckets. She could feel as they were dumped on her. She could not see very well what was happening, but she could feel and certainly she could smell what was happening to her. This truly was slop in the truest sense of the word. Every type of discarded food particle imaginable was soon covering her. Some was runny and sloppy, other parts were lumps of things. She was soon covered from head to toe in the rubbish.

Everyone cheered loudly. She was allowed out of the stocks. Her dress nearly fell to the floor from the weight of the mess that covered it. Her hair was interlaced with bits of discarded rubbish. She took a bow. She was then led outside of the tavern and was dumped in a trough that was used by horses to drink out of. She was pushed in, landing with a splash. She sat inside of it, legs sticking out, comically. Her customer gave her the eye.  He looked down on her. “Thanks love, you earned this,” he said, giving her the remainder of what he owed. She looked at him. “ I tell you what,” she said,” The night is young, want to go upstairs?” his eyes lit up. “Sure love.” “I won’t even charge any extra. Call it a bonus. Just don’t tell your mates or they will all expect special treatment.” “Cross my heart and hope to die,” he said, reaching down to help her out of the trough.