Sunday, 17 July 2016

Jennifer Aniston the award no one wants

Jennifer Aniston the award no one wants

Jennifer Aniston’s film career after Friends ended, though lucrative for her, was not so successful when it came to quality film making. She was hardly Meryl Streep. She was not really appearing in films that were classics. She was not someone who would ever be confused with an Oscar calibre actress. It wasn’t really her fault. She could hardly be held responsible for the quality of the films that she was in. She was an actress, all she could really do is choose which films to be in that were offered to her. She, most of time, was left making the best out of roles that were never going to be great. But hey, Sandra Bullock won an Oscar, so anything was possible, in theory. 

One year, Jennifer was in a particularly bad film. It was so bad that it was nominated for any number of bad film awards. Jennifer was nominated for worse actress as well. She would end up winning this award. She was not told, but she was appearing on a talk show. On this show, she would be presented with this dubious honour. Little did she know, she would also be receiving a punishment on the show. She wore a very short, very tight black and grey dress. 

She sat in the couch and chatting away with the host in the usual way. She talked about her latest films. Much to her surprise, the host said,” Yes, we have heard a lot about that film. A lot of it unfortunately, was not that positive. Although, it was nominated for a lot of awards, I understand. Unfortunately, it was for worst film of the year and so on.” Jennifer looked a little annoyed. “You don’t say. Yeah, I heard something about that,” she said sarcastically. “You know what, we have a big surprise for toy tonight,” he said,” You will be happy to know that you have actually won an award. It is the reward for worst performance by an actress.” “Oh, did I?,” she replied. “Yes, and someone is here tonight to present you with the award.” Some music played and a man in a suit entered carrying an award statuette. Jennifer looked none too pleased with this development. He walked over to her and handed her the trophy. He shook her hand and congratulated her. She smiled sarcastically with some annoyance. “Well, this is just lovely, wonderful.”

“Isn’t that nice. I bet that is the first award you have ever won for your movie career. On top of that, there is something else that we are going to give you today. It is something that you really deserve. It is a sort of award, a payback if you will for all of those poor unfortunate souls who were subjected to that awful, awful movie that you were in. All of those poor suckers who dropped a tenner and were subjected to the utter abomination that they were given on the screen.” Jennifer began to look slightly nervous at this point. She did not really know to what he was referring to.

“So, Miss Aniston, worst actress of the year, this one is for you. Guys please give it to Miss Aniston would you please?” The man who carried the reward returned. This time he carried with him what appeared to be a slop bucket. “This is for the crap you have made the general public sit through. We feel that this is only fair. Slop her would you please.” 

As the look of shock registered on Jennifer’s face, the man already had begun to dump the slop over her head. It was genuine, authentic pig slop from a local farm. It was filled with corny goodness. It was pale and yellow with tons of lumps in it. Everyone was aghast as they witnessed Jennifer Aniston getting pig slop poured over her head. She gave a fake pout as it poured over her famous hair and down her face. Then man moved it back and forth over her body so it was evenly distributed everywhere. Jennifer grimaced as the creamy slop splattered all over her. She was in the moment now, but would be very annoyed later.

They then followed this up with a second bucket. This one was filled with classic green slime. The authentic, thick stuff. She was really getting what was coming to her now. The man and the host smiled as he began to pour the slime over her. This was a moment that should have occurred on children’s television years before, but the conceded star would never allow it to happen to her. She was the perfect target for the slime. Slime seemed to suit her perfectly. The thick green mess poured down the centre of her head and then down the sides, sliming her hair first. It then poured over her shoulders and upper body, before pouring onto her face and down her legs. It coated everything. Her whole face was covered.

She reached up and cleared some of the slime from her eyes. She ran her hand over her hair. Some more slime dripped down her face from her hair. She then, sarcastically, restarted the interview as if nothing had ever happen. “Well, I thank you for the award. I will cherish it always. At least I got an award for something eh?” Her reactions were genuinely humorous and funny to watch. “ Although, this is one award that I don’t think anyone really wants to win, if I can be totally honest with you.”

The host then said,” Let’s hear it for Jennifer Aniston, the worst actress of the year. It is well deserved.”

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