Joan Osborne Relish
Joan Osborne was a singer in the nineties. She was one of the many female, Lilith Fair type of singers at the time. She only really ever had one big hit, but stayed making music for some time after that. I might have been the only one to think so, but I always found her pretty attractive. She was slightly chubby and quite sexy. She looked like a real woman. She was quite natural looking. She did not look like a Hollywood star or model. I hadn’t really thought about her or her music in ages. It was twenty years later. One day, I was out minding my own business. It was in a big chain store. As I was walking by, I began to notice a woman with curly blonde hair and a really nice figure. When I caught a glimpse of her face, she looked quite familiar. It took a minute, but I realised it was Joan Osborne. I took a deep breath and went up to her.
“Um, I am so sorry to bother you. This is going to sound crazy, but you kind of resemble Joan Osborne, the singer from the nineties.” She smiled a smile like I never saw before. “Oh my God, yeah, believe it or not it’s me. I can’t believe this. No one has recognised me in like over a decade.” “Well, I think that I would probably always recognise you. I mean I was a pretty big fan and, well, you were always really attractive as well.” “Oh my, you are making me blush,” she said,” I definitely, never get that. I am hardly Brittney Spears or anything. I don’t think I ever had anyone say that to me. Things have been pretty cold on the dating front for some time as well.” “I really can’t believe that,” I said,” I mean you still look amazing to this day.” Well, I curvy, I am awkward, I am geeky and well, there is this other thing. I have this fetish. It’s so embarrassing.” “It’s ok, I said, I have a bit of one myself.” “Well, remember my album was called relish? There was a reason for that. I quite like having messy food and stuff, you know, on me. I called it relish because I wanted relish dumped over my head.” She looked very ashamed. “You won’t believe it, but I have the same fetish. Well, messy food on women that is. I’d be lying if I said I had never imagined what you might look like with relish all over you. ” “You are kidding, a cute guy who says I am attractive and likes messy food. I think this is pretty good chemistry.” She giggled,” I think it is fate. I think this is a long awaited chance for both of us to live out some long imagined fantasies.” I happily agreed. It did seem like fate. “Should we go back to mine?,” she asked,” I have some relish there and a big creamy pie and loads of other stuff.” I did not need to be asked twice of course. I agreed straight away to go back with her.
We could not wait to get back to Joan’s places. She took me by my hand and we ran back there. Joan seemed just as excited as I was to do this. It seemed too good to be true. It was real though. We feverishly got in her apartment. We began to kiss passionately. “I think I had better take my dress off. I wouldn’t want to get it messy would I?,” Joan said. She slid her dress down her body to her ankles. She revealed a very ornate lacy bra and panties set that she wore it was layered with purple, blue and black lacy bits. Her curvy figure was revealed. Her stomach, breasts, curvy legs and shapely hips and behind were all heaving around the underwear that she wore. I had to say that she looked incredible. She had little black beauty spots certain places on her body. I was instantly aroused by the site of the curvy singer in her underwear. She then took me by the hand and we entered the kitchen.
She pulled out the largest and creamiest pie that I ever saw. She smiled. “I never really dared to do anything like this before, but this is so hot,” she said, carefully handing the sloppy pie over to me. She smiled, blinked her eyes and crinkled up her nose. She nodded, letting me know that she was ready for this. I smiled. I held the pie in both hands. I then pushed it straight up into Joan’s face. It hit softly but I turned it a bit as it stuck to her face. I pulled the tin away and revealed the waves of creamy pie on her face and intermingling perfectly with her curly blonde hair. It seemed to be a perfect match. It went really well with her hair. Her dimples were still visible. She smiled widely and laughed. She looked very happy at this moment. Her face was still plastered in pie.
She handed me a second pie. This one I thrust into her belly. I moved it up and down her body, smearing pie all over her from her breasts down to her vagina. Soft pie all over her underwear clad flesh. She handed me a third which I thrust into her behind and smeared all down the backs of her legs. She lifted one leg, bending her knee. I then slowly poured chocolate pudding from a can all over her thigh, down her and all over her calf. She then changed position and I did the same to her other leg. She moaned in pleasure as she felt the soft chocolate mess all over her sexy body. I, impulsively ran my tongue over the length of her curvy leg, licking some of the pudding off of her body.
She then handed me two cans of baked beans. We used the can opener to pop them open. She closed her eyes and smiled softly. It was quite romantic in a way. I took one can in each hand and gently shook the beans out over Joan’s head. Beans ran all over her curly hair and down her cheeks. I poured more across her stomach and wide hips. She plopped her hands in the mess on her stomach and chest, rubbing it around sensuously.
It was then relish time. She produced three jars. There was pickled relish, tomato relish and corn relish. They were green, red and yellow. They were very chunky indeed. We took a few pictures of Joan holding the jars. She joked that that is what she wanted the original album cover to look like. We unscrewed the lids. Joan then sat down. She wanted to relish this moment, no pun intended. I used the pickled relish first. I held the jar over her head and shook it. It fell out slowly, but surely. It fell in a massive blob, initially onto the top of her head. More poured down her hair and cheeks. It soon was intermingled in her curly blonde hair. I then dumped the tomato relish on her. Most of it went down her face and over her chest and neck. I then emptied the corn relish down her stomach, panties and thighs. She wiggled her legs as relish got all over her. She was now covered in cold, chunky relish.
Instead of trying to wipe herself clean or stand up, she spent some time enjoying the messy moment. I then leaned over and we shared a passionate kiss. She rolled around in the mess for some time, before, reluctantly, heading out back. She then handed me her garden hose and asked me to hose her down. She shrieked as the cold water splashed her. I moved it up and down, washing her lovely body off. The mess just slid away off of her sexy body.